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Say ‘And’ instead of ‘But’
PLUS: Drop the hot coal for happiness
Good Morning. For the next 5 minutes, your career is the most important thing.
In today’s email:
Scale away your problems
Say ‘And’ instead of ‘But’
Plan hard at the start of projects
Drop the hot coal for happiness
How we sustain change
ON YOUR CAREER
Scale away your problems
Solution focused thinking is a powerful way to deal with problems. One solution focused technique is to use a scale of zero to ten to anchor current performance and desired performance. Zero to ten provides much more nuance than the one to five scales often used in organizational ratings.
EXAMPLE: Wai-Fong wants to be a better public speaker
Wai-Fong rates her current effectiveness as a public speaker at 6/10. When asked, ‘what would be different for you to score an 8/10?’, her answer was ‘to look and sound less nervous.’
A conversation could then follow with her manager, peers, or coach on how to achieve less nervousness (BTW ‘How to enjoy public speaking more’ is explored in the next CareerCoacha edition).
Scaling would help Wai-Fong measure progress and provide a sense of accomplishment. It also provides Wai-Fong a reference point if she has a performance relapse.
COMMUNICATION
Say ‘And’ instead of ‘But’
When we say ‘But’ in a feedback sentence, the listener tends to disregard the words said before it. A useful replacement is ‘And’. This enables us to explore two valid propositions:
❌ Your ideas are good, But you write too much
✅ Your ideas are good, And you write too much
❌ You are a star coder, But you could help your colleagues more
✅ You are a star coder, And you could help your colleagues more
This simple change makes our conversation more expansive.
When you start a sentence with “no,” “but,” “however,” or any variation thereof, no matter how friendly your tone or how many cute mollifying phrases you throw in to acknowledge the other person’s feelings, the message to the other person is You are wrong.
PRODUCTIVITY
Plan hard at the start of projects
One of our coachees is an award-winning architect. He designs major public buildings that take multiple years to construct. When asked the question, ‘how could you do your job even better?’ his response was, ‘plan better.’ He reflected how wrestling with execution at the start of a project always saved time and money.
Planning hard and thinking hard with colleagues leads to better execution. This process prepares us for obstacles and setbacks.
Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe.
1 MINUTE TO HAPPINESS
Drop the hot coal
Source: GIPHY
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.
We can choose to let go of past disputes, personal slights, and bad blood. Life is too short to dwell on negative emotions. We can drop the hot coal. Anytime we choose.
Happiness and serenity are a choice.
GET SMARTER
How we sustain change
Making and sustaining change is difficult. Most diets fail. Most corporate mergers and acquisitions fail to add value. We can increase our probability of making sustainable change by better understanding the change process. Prochaska and DiClemente’s Stages of Change model has significant research supporting it. We have also found it a reliable model to help our coachees sustain change in work and broader life.
Pre-Contemplation Stage: The change is not being considered.
Contemplation: Weighing the costs and benefits of the potential change. ‘Pushing’ someone for a decision while they are contemplating can result in ‘push-back’. At other times, a helpful nudge can lead to the preparation stage.
Preparation: Planning how the change can best be achieved. Identifying potential obstacles is also useful.
Action: Implementing the plan for change and behaving differently.
Maintenance: The change has been achieved or substantially achieved.
Relapse: Reverting to previous behaviours. Relapse and setbacks are part of being human. Acknowledging this makes it easier to regain momentum. Anticipating potential obstacles to change makes relapse less likely. And, if we fall, we can get back up and persist with making the change.
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
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